Pocket of Joy- Morning Duty (#SOL22)

Last Friday I posted this on my social media:

This week I:

-prepped asynchronous work for students in Kindergarten to Grade 5

-posted asynchronous work for students in Grades 1-5, emailed their grown-ups, and posted reminders of work

-read to an online Grade 1/2 class

-read to an in-school Kindergarten class

-read to an online Grade 2 class

-planned and designed inquiry activities related to our Blue Spruce program

-taught online Kindergarten

-supported online Grade 3

-got pulled from online Grade 3 to cover an in-person Grade 1 class

-taught online Kindergarten (again)

-curated our weekly LLC newsletter

-curated next week’s BHM “Jam or Not A Jam”

-pulled books connected to educator’s requests for in class inquiries

… and probably a lot of stuff I forgot.

Each week in #Onted is a full month. No joke.

It's a list of all the things I could remember doing at school between Monday and Friday. It's a lot. And I am just one educator in one building. We routinely have at least 5 unfilled jobs on any given day and some days it's been as high at 11 (maybe more!) unfilled jobs that need to be covered by library, ISSP, ESL or homeroom educators missing their planning times. It's an all hands on deck situation in Ontario schools right now. People are frazzled, burnout and fractured from trying to remember what they need to do while attempting to cover a different role. The system is continuing to eat us alive.

That being said there are still moments when joy is felt and celebrated in our schools. While I dread going into work each day knowing that if the parking lot is empty I may be thrust into a role that I am unprepared for or even pulled partway through the day, partway through a task. My ability to focus and see a task through to completion is almost non-existent at this point.

But every morning at 8:15 I head out to the parking lot for morning duty. For three years I was on crosswalk duty and then last year I was shifted to Kiss n' Ride and now I am stationed at the back of the parking lot.

I absolutely LOVE being outside in the morning for duty. For the last 5 years I have been the first person many families see each morning when they arrive at school. I don't know how many of you know this... but I am pretty cheerful person in the morning. I look forward to greeting the students and their grown-ups. I like to chat and make small talk. I get to know the students at little better. The students excitedly remind me if it's their library day or share which book they liked the best that we read recently.

One little girl told me this week that she loved the book that had a character with hair just like hers. Seriously. I didn't stop smiling all morning.

One of my favourite things about morning duty is getting to know the students and their grown-ups in a different light. We have a family whose child is in Kindergarten and every day since September Mom and Dad would walk the little one into school. Mom was expecting a new baby and when we returned after the shut down in January only Dad was walking. I got to learn about the new baby, the baby's name and hear all sorts of updates. Last week, I got to meet Grandma and Grandpa as they walked the little one to school.

The families and I joke about the traffic backups and headaches in the parking (seriously, some parents need to slow down and be patient). We discuss the weather. Did we know it was going to be this cold? Does it look like we are going to get more snow? People ask for book recommendations to read with their children. Newcomers share with me their stories about why they moved to Canada and what they hope for their grandchildren attending our school.

It's almost always 15 minutes of joy (minus the cars who want to park in the tow away zone no matter how many times I've asked them not to...).

It's 15 minutes of interacting with students. With people. With families. With parents and caregivers. With grandmas and grandpas. With little ones too small to come to school yet.

It's the only part of my day that remains the same from the "before time".

It's my little pocket of joy.

Slice of Life: Losing a Friend (Warning- loss of a pet)

 

I wanted to write this post last week but it turns out I was just too sad and needed some time.  Before you continue reading, you should know that I am going to write about the loss of my darling dog, Kahne. 

Last Tuesday, Jan 18th was the date that we had made an appointment to take Kahne to the vet to be euthanized. He was 15 years old and in a lot of pain. We had noticed a decrease in his eating, he was pacing around the house and yelping often. When we took him to the vet they found a tumour in his mouth/throat and said that they'd give him pain meds for a week or two while we made our decision.

We got Kahne three weeks before our wedding in June of 2007 so he had been with us through all the big moments. Buying our first house. The birth of both our daughters. Buying our second AND third house (it turns out we like to move??). And countless road trips, walks, beach afternoons, and more.

This is the first loss that my daughters have had to process. We told my oldest first and cried it out with her. The night we told my youngest, Monday Jan 17th, they both cried themselves to sleep. It was heartbreaking. They have known him their whole life and he's been a constant for them. The last two years with the pandemic have meant that they got to spend even more time with him.  And in a way it was a blessing for him. At least one of his people have been with him everyday since March 2020... what dog could ask for anything better?

Being kids and trying to process a loss they have turned to creating their own stories about "doggie heaven" and what Kahne is doing there. They are convinced their cousin's dog met him at the entrance and immediately gave him a tour of all the best spots. The two of them worked up a list of all the things Kahne would get to do in heaven- a room full of treats, a room full of smells, a room full of toys. I added that there's probably a wall of windows that the dogs can stick their heads out and it's just like being in the car. That brought us to the idea of a room full of squirrels to chase because Kahne loved to chase and bark at anything that moved. But when we thought on it we decided that being chased by dogs probably wasn't squirrel heaven.... so they decided that the squirrels are holograms being controlled by squirrels (like a video game) because being able to taunt dogs would be a part of squirrel heaven! Listening to them giggle and laugh about all the fun Kahne must be having was just what my heart needed. 

Every day though, someone mentions they miss him. Someone wonders what he's doing. I find myself looking for him or looking at where he'd normally be when I go about my day. I miss the way he'd do a tour of the girls' rooms each night before settling in, like it was his job to ensure they were safe in bed. I miss petting his ears which might have been the softest thing on earth. 

Mostly I just feel the quietness of the hole he's left behind. 

Last Post of 2021. Looking ahead. One Word for 2022

 I didn't write a #OneWordx12 post for November.

I didn't write for December, either. 

But I thought about them a lot. I thought about what my word(s) might be. A lot. I almost sat down to write a number of times. But I didn't. The last 2 years have been so heavy. Have been so much. Have carried so much baggage into our daily lives. 

I started my #OneWordx12 posts back in January of 2020 when it was somewhat pre-pandemic times. COVID was around but it wasn't here yet (it probably was...). Schools were still open. I went out to dinner with friends. I attended OLASC. I became the OSLA VP and spent a weekend in Toronto at a table with with other people. I shopped. It was the end of life as we knew it and the start of now. 

When I started choosing and writing my one word per month Doug Peterson thought it was a great idea. The world was changing so rapidly and how could one word ever hope to encompass and entire year? Choosing a new word each month allowed me to reflect on what I was feeling, where the world was, how education was changing and (puke) pivoting to this new reality. 

But after 2 years of choosing words and thinking about where I was, where we were, and where we were all going ... it started to feel heavy as well. My #OneWordx12 project started to feel connected to the pandemic even though it didn't start out that way. I started to feel like I was always reflecting on the things we'd lost, the negatives that were part of our new routines and not on the joy that still exists in our world. The joy that still exists in schools and the school library. 

The word "normal" is such a weird word. It barely describes anything if you really think about it. One person's normal almost never matches another person's normal. There is no central normal that fits society. Normal is about as far from normal as we can get. It's a lazy word used to describe the past that wasn't ever normal but maintained a certain comfort level for a small percentage of people. 

Normal is definitely a colonialist construct. 

Matthew R. Morris wrote a thought provoking blog post about being "Back to Normal. Sort of." and I found myself re-reading it and being drawn into the ideas from it a number of times throughout November and December. Being back at school feels almost normal but not. The library is open and students are getting books but they can only come in whole class groups, every other week which is not normal. They are so happy to be in the space choosing books and tinkering with small stations but I am constantly reminding students to pull up their masks and to maintain distance which is not normal. Some of the kids ask about whether the library is safe, is it clean, is it okay to be in there since they weren't allowed last year... which is not normal and devastatingly sad. 

And always on the back of my mind is the question of whether the "normal" of the library was ever good enough to begin with? Were all students able to access the library in a way that supported them and their learning needs? Was free flow an equitable model when not all educators supported and allowed students to come to the space? How might the return to free flow book exchange look different after COVID in order to create a more equitable space for all learners? 

You could say that my word for November and December was normal. Or the reflection on the word normal. What might normal mean? Do we even want to return to normal? Is normal a word that we even want to use in relation to the school library? 

I will not be continuing my #OneWordx12 for 2022. 

I guess you could say I'll be returning to the "normal" of choosing just one word for year... or I won't. I haven't really decided. I like the idea of choosing a word for myself personally but can't wrap my head around how it might encompass all that is my professional life as a teacher-librarian. I'd like to write more about the everyday happenings in the library, about the books I'm reading, the resources I'm curating, the thought processes that goes into all of it. I'd like to blog more. I'd like to set a goal to blog more and stick to it. I'd like to find a way to be intentional in my blogging and reflecting. The #OneWordx12 did help with that... how might I adapt the process of choosing one word each month to maintain my intentions as I reflect on the school library and education? 

Today is the last day of 2021 and while the new year typically brings thoughts of renewal and hope it seems very muted and far from hopeful this year. Omicron has become a normal word in our vocabulary. We still use pivot and unprecedented (puke) way too often. The education system (especially here in Ontario) feels like a raging dumpster fire most days. But there are the moments and small pockets of joy. And without falling into the dangers of toxic positivity I do think we need to share and revel in those moments... and the reflection they should prompt. How might we recreate these small moments for others? What actions might help to spread joy? How can we learn to live within our current reality without constantly obsessing over it? 

Maybe that's where the intentional nature of blogging will come from- normal/not normal and pockets of joy? Perhaps two posts each month?

Time will tell. 

Teaching Loss and Recovery.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching loss lately. It's an idea that has been weighing heavily on my mind. Pav Wander wrote a great bog post called "Is Teaching Loss a Myth, Too" that really resonated with me and has been sticky in my mind for the last month. (There's also a link to an episode of the Staffroom Podcast within Pav's blog that's totally worth a listen.)

The first month back to school this year has been hard. 

In many ways it's been harder than September 2020. 

There seems to be more emphasis on a return to "normal" even as the fourth wave of the pandemic is knocking at the door. In the school library learning commons I feel as though I have been walking a tight rope balancing act of what I know and believe to be good pedagogy and learning experiences for students against the current COVID protocols. Our space is set to open this week for the first set of students to test out the new routines and while I am beyond excited to have students in the space again I also know that every question related to making, tinkering, loose parts, Lego, Keva Planks etc is going to add a small new crack to my heart. I hope we can get back there soon. I hope once we see the routines in place and people are feeling more comfortable we will get back there. 

But my biggest fear is that we wont.

It's already been determined that I can't co-teach and collaborate in our space due to the size and shape of the tables. The students must all face forward and with pentagonal shaped tables that means only one student per table and I only have 13 tables. Once again, I am hoping that once the library routines are in place and I can better understand the time commitment needed to re-shelve and deal with book exchange without the benefit of helpers that I will be able to visit classes in their space to co-teach and collaborate. 

But my biggest fear is that we wont. 

People keep saying that we will get back to having a maker space. We will get back to having a free flow exchange system. We will get back to a school library that hums with students and excitement. 

But my biggest fear is that we wont. 

So how does this relate to teaching loss? 

Well, in my experience most educators' social and professional support circles contain a lot of other educators. And those in your circle who aren't educators don't always understand the nuances of the issues we are facing. So in my opinion, one of the biggest issues of teaching loss right now is the lack of a support system from within our own circles. Normally, educators would be able to be the shoulder to lean on, the ear to listen, the one to cry to, etc. But as we look back over the last 18 months of the pandemic and beyond that as public education has been under attack here in Ontario for almost 4 years people are wiped out. 

Exhausted. Depleted.  

I know that I often feel like I don't have the reserves to adequately support my friends when they are struggling at work and I always feel like I don't want to be the one to burden them with my own worries. I think we can describe this as teaching loss. Usually educators would be chatting in the hall, sharing ideas, thinking up unique ways to collaborate and co-teach. But the halls are quiet. People are trying to find a place they feel comfortable enough to un-mask and eat. Staff meetings and team meetings are virtual so there are people in my building I haven't even seen in person yet this year. No one is interested in the extras- teams, clubs, committees, etc. Everyone is tired. I also think many educators have rethought their priorities in terms of family time and volunteer time. If the extra that you gave in the past hasn't been valued or respected then how in times of stress and depletion do we keep on giving?

I'm worried for my colleagues and for myself. 

How do we get back to the joy of teaching when it seems like there isn't an end in sight to the struggle? 

How do we support ourselves and each other when it feels like we are already at the bottom? 

How do we trust that what we have lost isn't lost forever?

I think because of these thoughts that I am struggling to come up with my #OneWordx12 for October. In September I went with embrace and I did make a list of things I was grateful for and that made gave me moments of happiness. 

Perhaps a good choice of words is RECOVERY. 

What will be uncovered as we re-open the library? What new ways of connecting will be discovered through our virtual story times. How might we recover our joy? 

Slice of Life: What's That Smell?

 My husband has a very sensitive nose. When we first moved into together and at the start of our marriage, I had to tie up the compost before he could take it out because he couldn't handle the smell. When our oldest daughter was born I had some genuine concerns about his ability to change a dirty diaper without being ill himself. His gag reflex to smells is quite something. 

So when he tells me there is a smell in the house, I believe him. 

We have a small hallway that leads to the powder room on our main floor. We have hooks there for the girls backpacks and coats. They line up their shoes under the hooks. We also have the dog's food at the end of the hallway that leads to a door for the yard. We never use the door because this house also has two patio doors that we can use to access the yard. So the hallway is just for the dog, the kids, and a means to get to the washroom. 

I had put a small carpet runner down on the floor because my husband and father-in-law were coming in all the time in their work boots to use the washroom as they work on the addition and deck we are adding to the house. So when my husband announced last night that he could smell urine we assumed our very senior dog had had an accident. 

My husband also likes to be thorough. So he sniffed every pair of shoes. Each backpack. Looked in the backpacks. Sniffed my purse. MY PURSE!!! As if. Nothing else smelled like urine so we removed the carpet runner and he mopped the tile floor.

I left for work. 

Then I got a text. "It still smells like urine. But I scrubbed the grout."

Okay, so maybe this was going to be a bigger problem. Maybe our poor dog had been having accidents and we had overlooked it? Maybe it had soaked into the baseboards?

When I came home I took a turn to scrub the tiles and the baseboards. Lots of elbow grease and our strongest cleaner. 

He could still smell it. 

But what else to do? I Googled "cleaning dog urine from tiles" and found that a 1:1 ratio of vinegar and water would do the trick. I promised to do it again after my workout. Then I headed downstairs to get on the bike and then a stretching class. Partway through my stretching class I heard a crash and some grumbling. I yelled up the stairs, "Everything ok?"

"Yup." Came the response and then the thud of feet on the stairs. "I figured out the cause of the smell."

"Oh?" was my response as I thought we'd already figured this out. 

"Yup. Dead mouse in the vent."

Ummmmm, gross. Disgusting. Seriously??

But do you think this means that we've solved the problem of the mice in the bread drawer?

Slice of Life: Car Rides

 

When I think back on my time as a mom it's always the car rides around town, on the way to the store or running errands, that the kids share funny ideas, ask questions and actually engage in some pretty meaningful conversations. Ever since the pandemic we have been on very few of these types of car trips as we often keep the girls at home and one of us runs out to do the errands, shopping, etc. 

Now that school is starting and the girls are headed back in-person they need clothes and other supplies. So last Friday my oldest and I head out into the wilds of clothes shopping together. As she is turning 11 and a "tween" clothes shopping together is not always the most fun thing we do.... and that's an understatement. 

The car ride was magic. As my car is new I have a trial subscription to XM satellite radio and we have access to fun channels like "90's on 9" where my daughter is able to hear the music I grew up listening to as a teen. Now that I am a mom I do hear the lyrics in many songs in a different light and just brace myself for the questions that will inevitably come up but it's still a fun time. My daughter came up with a game as we were driving- Could I name an artist from the 90's starting at A and work through the alphabet all the way to Z? We discovered very quickly that I could not! So we expanded the game to any artists from any genre. That I could do! 

I miss the short car rides around town that were a part of our usual weekly routine. Somehow that time in car, listening to music and on the way to a new location always lends itself to a little magic. Whether it's the funny things my children blurt out, in-depth questions and social justice discussions or just sharing music those car rides were always memorable. I hope we are on our way back to that soon. 

Embrace September.

 As I have seen many people post on a variety of platforms... wow, it's already September.

How does that happen?

As I was working on my word for September I was trying to decide if it should have a personal focus (as many of my words have had this year) or a professional focus. However, since it is September and that means back to school I don't really see how I can separate the two. 

This will be my 19th year as a teacher and I haven't missed a single first day of school in all that time. Not even the year I was on mat leave with my oldest daughter as my husband and I split the leave and he took over in September so I could go back to school. Not the year I was pregnant with my second daughter (due in November) and had to start my leave 2 months early due to complications. I still started the school as usual and worked for 9 days (while mainly sitting in a chair...). 

18 first days of school as an educator. 13 first days of school as an elementary or secondary school student. 6 first days of school as an undergraduate or teacher-candidate. 

That's 37 first days of school in my life. 

And I can't say that I am looking forward to number 38. 

For the first time ever. 

The pandemic has changed me. The ongoing attack on public education has changed me. 

I often feel like I have lost a part of myself in the last 2 years. 

I know that I am quieter than I used to be. I know that I prefer to be home with just my husband and children more now. I have less time and patience for other people. And for myself. 

I am less excited about the upcoming school year. Even though it looks like libraries will be open in some capacity it still feels harder to be excited. 

I am worried for my friends and colleagues. They are still so sad, so tired, so demoralized.

Embrace.

But I believe under it all I am still an optimist. I still have the capacity to look for the good. So while a part of me continues to mourn for the me that's lost, I want to use September to embrace the good things. To look for the small moments of joy in hopes of finding my excitement again. 

In hopes of finding me. 

 I think I shall start a list. Because to be honest, there's nothing more me than a list! A list of the good things. A list of the times I feel embraced in light. A list of the moments where joy shines through.